DRABBLES 'N' ERRRRRRRRRRR STUFF! x
by Arabella Blue-Dusk
Summary: lots of fight scenes will appear hopefully , maybe some romance, some friendship etc OH..... and lots of randomness! sorry if anyone has done anything like the contained storys/ chapters before. Plz review and give me sum ideas on what to do! ENJOY! x
1. Dusk 1

Valkyrie (aged 15) sat all alone perched on a rock at Haggard beach, it was relatively quiet- _understatement_- there was no-one on Haggard beach except her. It was a cold and windy day, she was dipping her toes in the ice cold water, when a pale alabaster white body washed up a little further down the beach, she instantly took her toes out of the water and shoved her wet feet into her trainers- she wasnt in her work clothes today. She looked around cautiously and stood up, she apprehensively approached the unmoving body, she looked around again and satisfied no-one was around, she carefully nudged the body with her foot- was that her or did it twitch?- She nudged it again and it instantly reached out a lazy hand and grabbed her leg, she shook off the hand and jumped away, she inched closer, then turned the body over with her foot and saw an exremely pale face, ripped skin, evil eyes and a thin lipped mouth, but what scared her the most was the _ridged scar running from the eye to the cheek_......

"Vampire... D...d...d...d....Dusk?" she breathed, Dusk raised his head, looked at her and snickered, then coughed violently, then an evil grin spread across his pale face. He shot up off the ground, very fast but with a certain cat-like agility.

"Cain..." he glared at her with as much hatred as his blackened heart was capable of, and continued, "so glad i washed up here...", he coughed again from swallowing too much salt-water. Valkyrie became tense and balled her hands into fists, her feet shoulder width apart, "now its time to see how good you can really fight without your mentor- Pleasant................................................. payback time" he hissed.

"Still holding a grudge I see!" she replied.

"It's my nature.... It's what I do....." he started to shake, and took out a syringe with colourless liquid inside, and jabbed it into his fore-arm.

"Still under controll I see..." she replied trying to keep her voice steady. He nodded and sprang at her, she dived out of the way and rolled, her dark brown hair getting sandy and her clothes getting wet. He got up and dived again and she wasnt quick enough, he raked his nails across her back and drew blood she hissed in pain but knew that if these would have been his vampire nails it would have taken a lot out of her, she cursed her-self for not wearing her work clothes. Valkyrie caught Dusk off guard and threw a left hook, and his whole world rocked. He looked at her, shocked that she mannaged to get that through him.

"That," he said "HURT!" he snarled,

she snickered.

"GOOD!" she yelled, the hatred clear in her voice.

Valkyrie grabbed the back of Dusk's head and smacked it against her knee, he fell to the ground she kept her knee there moving in for a hitch kick, when he turned his head sideways and full force bit her leg and cracked her bone with his vampire-human teeth.

She screamed in pain and dropped on the ground, only then did Dusk release her. He stood over her whilst she clutched at her leg, he bent down to his knees and she began to struggle, first of all she didnt like the position they were in and second, he was the bad guy and she didnt want to be killed just before her 16th birthday. He bent towards her, and she struggled even more, she was loosing a lot of blood and he was slowly bending toward her like he was going to kiss her, then he started to shake again, this time he didnt even bother to reach for the syringe, he just grabbed the top of his head and before he shucked his skin, he managed to squease out,

"That's right, keep strugling, the blood tastes sweeter with more adrenalin!....." he shucked his skin, and his eyes glowed red and he bent toward her faster than before, he growled and then she screamed.......

_

hehe plz read my next chapter :) oh, and plz review! :D (was tht good? my first fanfic- EVER!) x


	2. Dusk 2

(CARRYING ON FROM MY FIRST STORY- THE 1 WITH DUSK!)

* * *

Valkyrie carried on bellowing and screaming.  
It seemed like years before she felt his cold, knifelike, deadly teeth on her colour drained neck.  
His teeth were about to sink into her flesh and savagely rip her neck when she heard a familiar soothing voice,

"DUSK?!" The vamprie once Dusk looked up and registered fear, he stepped away from Valkyrie keeping low, and he snarled.

Valkyrie went shaky from the adrenaline pumping through her system, though she felt relieved that there was a hope she would now reach her 16th birthday.

The Vampire snarled at Valkyrie as she tried to scramble up off the floor, and then looked back to see Skulduggery walk calmly toward him.

Then there was eye contact- well VAMPIRE EYES to EYE SOCKETS contact.

They moved in a circle around each other, whilst Valkyrie clambered onto a rock, gasping in pain, grasping at her leg. Then she watched entranced as Skulduggery and the Vampire launched into action with an elaborate dance of knees, fists, elbows, legs, feet and teeth.

"RING............." Skulduggery shouted "FLETCHER.........." he rolled and the vampire pounced and attempted to sink his teeth into Skulduggerys arm, Skulduggery kicked the vampire away, and Dusk went sprawling onto his back. "Tell him to take you to....agggggggggggh!" Dusk had crawled along the ground and sank his teeth into Skulduggerys tibia and fibula on his left leg, "TAKE YOU TO...... GET OFF WILL YOU?" Skulduggery swung his left leg, and the vampire shot through the air, with Skulduggerys whole leg in his mouth. Skulduggery removed his revolver from his jacket, and aimed at the Vampire, he shot two bullets at the vampire- not enough to kill it, just enough to make sure it didnt get up- one at his right leg, one at his left leg. Skulduggery hopped over to Dusk, Valkyrie chuckled because this was quite funny to watch- and quickly snatched his leg back, the vampire snapped at him, whined then shut up when Skulduggery pointed his gun at it's head.

"As I was saying whilst fighting, ring Fletcher and tell him to pick us up and take us to Kenspeckle's. OK?"

Valkyrie nodded and took out her cellphone, her hands shaking. Whilst Skulduggey fed his leg through his trouser(pant) leg, and bent it toward him, satisfied that his leg was fixed he looked at Dusk and kicked him- satisfied that he was unconcious, he grabbed an arm and a leg and threw Dusk into the back of the Bentley. Then he stared at Valkyrie, a tear rolling down her cheek, she occasionally did this after a near-death experience.

He walked over to her and placed his hand on her shoulder, and they both stared out to sea.

"Fletcher will be here soon" she whispered then pouted.

"Ok...." he nodded and looked down and saw his shoelace was untied and bent down and began to tie it, both Valkyrie and Skulduggery were both thinking the same thing- When she was 13, she had nearly been thrown off of a tower by Scapegrace- 'the killer supreme'- all because Skulduggery had been to busy tieing his shoelace.....

Typical.

At that moment, Skulduggery went sprawling onto the sand- face first, Valkyrie laughed.

"I thought you were too GRACEFUL to fall over!?" she mocked trying to controll her laughter. He looked up at her and did his best to glare- Valkyrie didnt even flinch.

"I am, you pushed me!" He retorted.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did NOT!"

"You DID!"

"NOPE WASNT ME!"

"You can stop grinning anytime now!"

"I am sooooooo trying i swear!"

Skulduggery looked up, and saw fletcher grinning down at him.

"FLETCHER!" he yelled.

"YES?!"

"I....... AM........GOING...................................... TO KILL.......... YOU!"

"AWW YOU LOVE ME? THATS NICE! LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

So Fletcher grabbed Valkyrie and Skulduggery, and teleported to Kenspeckles....

* * *

I will finish this in later chapters- maybe- dunno yet. :D (crud chapter i no), just plz keep reading my stories, I hav a gd chapter of fighting on the way! haha..... plz review!


	3. Val & Fletch

Stephanie sat in her room doing her homework in jeans and a T-shirt, when her own voice shouted to be let in from outside the window.  
Stephanie walked over to the window and pulled it open un-emotional.  
And the real version of her tumbled in through the window wearing full black,and rolled across the floor, then pouted and looked at her grazed elbow.  
"Would you like to resume your life?" Stephanie asked staring with glassy eyes at her-self, on the floor, pouting with a face like a smacked arse.  
"Oh shut up will you?! I've had enough today! Fletcher's been on at me about his hair ALL DAY!" she huffed, "It's doin my flamin' head in!".

The Stephanie stood in the middle of the room huffed with-out emotion and stepped into the mirror. The real Stephanie- Valkyrie Cain scrambled up off of the floor and wandered over to the mirror and touched it lightly. All the memory's flooded into her and she sifted through them, until she came to a certain one. She nearly yelled her head off.  
"Fletcher!" she muttered under her breath, "I am going to kill you!"

_They had been in her room two hours ago.  
Hi Val!_

_Hi Fletcher..._

_You look un-emotional today._

_Yeah....._

_Whats up?_

_Nothing much..._

_Oh ok....... *smile*_

_Then he leaned in and kissed her!  
She didnt do anything, she just went along with it._

At that moment, Fletcher popped up, with a small poof in Valkyrie's room.

"I thought you hated me..." he said, "but now i realise that it's all an act." he leaned in to kiss her and her mind wandered, his lips felt soft against hers, then she realised what she was doing and leaned back, waited for him to say something....

"Wow... that was.... that was...!" she reached back whilst he was talking and sent a left hook straight into his face, and she heard his nose break with a sickening crack.

"FLETCHER!" she yelled, "YOU DIDNT KISS ME! YOU IDIOT! YOU KISSED MY REFLECTION!" she skreeched. He looked stunned, then caught on...

"ooooooooooooooooh! right i erm... get... it... now....." he murmered whilst clutching his broken nose, a tear running down his face, from the pain.

"I'm sorry Fletcher..... I... I... I didn't mean to break your nose!" she whispered.

"S'ok," he murmered. She wrapped her arms around him and rocked him awkwardly from side to side like a baby, and he wept into her shoulder. She kissed his forehead and murmered,

"I love you Fletch....." He looked at her, and this time she leaned in and kissed him full on the lips.

And whenever they saw each other in the next few days they avoided each other, until they were alone, then they would hold hands and kiss etc. Tanith was the first to catch on but didnt tell anyone.

They were in Valkyrie's room when Tanith walked out to get a drink of water, and Fletcher sauntered in, ruffling his hair, then he leaned over to Valkyrie and kissed her, he had her backed against a wall when Tanith walked in with a glass of lemonade, and squealed making them both jump away from each other, and have a certain interest in the floor....

_And for the next few days, Skulduggery and Tanith kept staring at Fletcher and Valkrie, hoping to catch them in the act....._

* * *

_Soz peeps, im rubbish at endings :S plz review, btw Val is 15 in this. Fletcher is 18. Awww i still cant believe i made him cry like a baby......_

_We all abuse Fletcher dont we? Aww I feel so bad. :S_


	4. love is all around WET WET WET

Val is age 16 in this :P .  
ENJOY!

* * *

Valkyrie sat in the bently- sulking, with Fletchers arm round her shoulders. Tanith had insisted that they (Valkyrie, Fletcher, Skulduggery, her-self and Ghastly) go on a trip whilst in England, so Tanith suggested that they go to Blackpool tower.  
So now Valkyrie sat in the back of the Bently- sulking, with Tanith on her right, Fletcher on her left, singing to the song in the CD player, but with the wrong lyrics.  
Love is all around- Wet Wet Wet. (song here link------ .com/watch?v=TQQ6SfPZggw )

So Fletcher just sat there singing his head off....

'I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes-  
"I feel it on my fingers, I feel it up my nose!"

'Love is all around me, and so the feeling grows!"  
"I pick it and I flick it, to see how far it goes!"

By this time Valkyrie was banging her head on the back of Ghastly's seat in-front. And Skulduggery lost his concentration and swerved across the road, and nearly crashed into the car in-front........ Tanith was now commenting that Fletcher sounded drunk.

'It written on the wind'  
"I smell it on the wind"

'Its every where I go..... oh yes it is'  
"Its every where I go..... oh yes it is! Ya hear that Val?!"

She smirked and he kissed her forehead.

'So if you really love me, come on and let it show'  
"So if you're really snotty, come on and let it show!"

"FLETCHER!" Valkyrie skreeched. "SHUT THE F**K UP!" Then she threw her head back and smashed it on the front of her seat.

Then Fletcher started laughing, so then there was a lot of screaming from Fletcher, and fistfuls from Valkyrie.  
The rest of 5 minutes was quiet. Then the bit of-

'You give your promise to me, and I give mine to you' Fletcher sang-  
"You give your snot to me and I give mine to you!".  
And everyone laughed so much that Tanith was dribbling, Valkyrie was clutching at herself from laughter, Ghastly was struggling to contain his composure, Fletcher nearly wet himself and Skulduggery had to stop the car before they crashed into the car infront......

_  
soz guys im really rubbish at endings- plz can u give me sum ideas?! PLEASE? luv u all, plz review! (the lil green button below :D ) x


	5. Springheeled Jack

Hi guys sorry my stories are a bit off, just got writers block.  
I was sat listening to La Roux- In for the kill, when i got this idea.

* * *

It was dark.

Spring heeled Jack flitted among the rooftops of London, his tailcoat billowing around in the wind, and his top hat perched upon his head whatever acrobatic feat he performed.

He danced among the rooftops springing this way and that way, twirling and flipping and diving about.

He came to a roof that was chipping and crumbling, and settled on the hard cold slate, clinging on with his long sharp toenails.

He watched the cars of London zip by below, their lights gazing upon the road, he watched the birds fly above, as they surfed on the wind and the clouds.

He thought what it would be like to be normal- but he could never be normal. He had a thirst for killing, he loved to see people beg and plead so they wouldnt be killed. He loved that they seemed to know him, but not know him. Whoever he killed would always say that he seemed familiar, but they would ask who he was and why he was doing this etc.

He was barbaric and sick, he enjoyed peoples pain.

He lept up and began to pace the rooftop, then he heard a shrill scream for help.  
He bound toward the scream, and stoped on the edge of a rooftop, then he heard the cry louder and from below him.  
He looked over the edge of the rooftop and saw a lady being mugged by a man, he thought his options through.

a) get help (not likely)  
b) turn and leave. (maybe)  
c) help the woman and let her go free. (yeah, like he would do that)  
or this was the one he liked the best,  
d) save the woman, then kill her anyway. (best idea he had had in centuries!)

He thought about his options and chose.

He dived off the rooftop and twirled around in the air, then landed daintily beside the lady.

Jack was still as a statue, the man stared in awe. So Jack hit the man, the man staggered backwards then hit back.

Jack raked his fingernails across the mans belly and drew blood the man hissed in pain, Jack then jumped and brought his fist down on top of the mans head, the mans world was spinning making him feel sick.

Jack was enjoying every moment.

Jack grabbed the man from behind, and forced him straight into the alley wall, he heard a mighty crack and the man cursed then collapsed in a heap on the floor, a cut running down his forehead. It took 30 seconds before the man was back on his feet, and then he pulled a gun out of his coat and aimed for Jack, his hands shaking and his finger tensed on the trigger,

"Who who who.....................?" the man stuttered,

"YES?!" Jack snapped.

"Who? Who the bloody hell are you?"

"Well, I may be the tooth fairy, or the post man, or santa claus, or I dunno lad, maybe errrrrrrr SPRING-HEELED JACK? So errr who are you lad?"

"I'm well i'm Thomas.............."

"Well Thomas, nothing personal buddy but err..... bye, bye!"

Jack dived at the Thomas before he could pull the trigger, over the Thomas' head and flipping to his feet.

Jack headbutted Thomas, and snatched his gun away, he pointed it at the him, and the Thomas begged for mercy, Jack had dealt with this kind before, insecure, not too bright, faking the toughness- just like most criminals these days, except himself obviously, he was special- an endangered species. Half-way through Thomas' begging Jack got fed up, and shot the guy, and left him for dead in a big dumpster trash bin.

Then he turned slowly and faced the woman........

The only thought going through his mind was killing,

and now.....

He was going in for the kill..........

* * *

sorry guys, plz review, gimme sum ideas! PLZ! x


	6. Non Existant chin

This kinda popped into my head when I was in the middle of a lesson at school, (bad week this week) and I kinda started laughing to myself like a wierdo. :D ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"So where are we going again?" Valkyrie asked.

"For the millionth time, we are going to The Four Courts" Skulduggery replied as he drove the gleaming black bently down the quiet street.

"Sorry to ask again, but I have forgotten, er why are we going there?" She asked staring at Skulduggery as the street-lamps lit up his skull, lighting up the bently in a hypnotic rythm.

"Well, apparenty there was a death threat to someone who works there yesterday, and they asked if we could check it out- because they dont much like Crux and his non-existant chin." he replied again, and Valkyrie knew that if Skulduggery would have been able, he would have been smirking now.

"So its not just us that doesnt like Crux AND his NON-EXSISTANT chin?" she said grinning to herself.

"Apparently so, oh and I think you used the wrong words there, we dont just 'not like' him and his non-existant chin, we DESPISE him and his non-existant chin!"

"Ha Ha! I love making fun of Crux and his NON-EXSISTANT chin!" she giggled.

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEE TO!" Skulduggery chuckled.

"So, erm where are we going again?"

"Ugh! If I have to tell you one more time Valkyrie Cain, I will personally give you to Crux so he can lock you up like when you were 14!" he said sincerly, but Valkyrie could hear the joking in his voice.

"And Skulduggery Pleasant?"

"Yeeeeeeeees?"

"I will personally find the BIGGEST dog you have EVER seen, and tell him to dig a hole and bury you in it."

"In the past few years how many times have you used that empty threat?"

"Dunno.......... about a million?"

"mmmmmmmmmm......."

"ok....."

They pulled up at the four courts and Valkyrie got out and leaned against the Bently, Skulduggery got out and walked towards the pillars near the front door.

"Now to wait for Fletcher!" Skulduggery laughed.

"Yup." she pipped in.

POOF!

"Hi Fletcher!" Valkyrie chirped.

"Hi Val, hi Skul!"

"Hi"

Fletcher crossed over to Valkyrie, both were still going out with each other, he kissed her then whispered in her ear, she laughed, then Fletcher grabbed Valkyries hand and teleported over to Skulduggery.

"What did you say to Val?"

"Me?"

"Well no, the invisible moron by that tree! Who'd ya think?"

"Oh, well all I said was is Crux and his NON-EXISTANT chin gonna be in there when we walk in?"

Skulduggery chuckled.

"Yep, unfortunately!"

"ah!"

They all walked towards the doors, and Skulduggery walked in first, Valkyrie walking behind then Fletcher.  
Crux stared at them, and they all laughed so hard that Valkyrie and Fletcher were on their knees, and Skulduggery was struggling to maintain his composure.

Crux knew they were laughing at him, and so he tried to thrust his NON-EXISTANT chin in anger. This made them all laugh even more.

Valkyrie walked up to Crux and words slipped out her mouth automatically-

"Hey Crux how are you doing? Say hi to your NON-EXISTANT chin for me!"

Then she pegged it down the hallway, with Crux following close behind, followed by Fletcher.

Skulduggery stood in the hallway shaking his head, with Guild staring at him with his small piggy eyes.

"Hello, Guild" he said in disgust, "say hi to your small piggy eyes for me!"

And Guild looked at his advisors and squinted- (trying to give Skulduggery evils, resulting in looking like the wrong end of a cow)

Skulduggery laughed so hard he was in a state of agony.

Skulduggery looked up, saw Guilds face and staightened up, he looked a Guild and pegged it after Valkyrie, Crux and Fletcher.

"Sorry!" he yelled, "Got to get home and feed the cat!"

_

Sorry, im rubbish at endings. lol :D x


	7. foody fighty

Ok so I know this is really really random, but there was a miniature food fight at school today in Mrs Martins room (thts 4 any1 hoo goes my school, u no hoo u r), and we had loads of fun, so im writing about the food fight, but in different characters e.g- im going to be Val, and im doing some of my other friends as Skulduggery, Tanith etc. note this isnt in full detail, like 1 of my friends dint put their arms around my waist, I added most of the Val + Fletcher stuff, but she did chase me down the stairs after I threw an egg sandwich at her! lol x

_

"Hey Val!"

"Hey Fletch"

Fletcher strolled into the kitchen, ruffled his hair and put his arms round Valkyrie's waist.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Erm...... well, we - me and Tanith are gonna bake rainbow muffins!"

"Rainbow who?"

"Rainbow muffins.......... ya know, buns, cakes, muffins?"

"Oh right ye!"

Tanith wandered into the kitchen and raided the cupboards for everything they needed.

"Oh, hi Fletcher!........................................................................................................Val?"

"Mmmmmmmmm........?"

"You might want to change out of your pj's........"

"Er why?"

"Skul is coming soon..........."

"CRAP! Ok!" she zipped upstairs and was down 5 minutes later with old black jeans and a baggy T-shirt and trainers on.

"I'm ready now!"

"Good!" Tanith chirped. "Lets get started!"

"Ok, erm, Tanith?"

"Mmmmmmmmm?"

"What do you want me to do?"

"Measure out the ingredients."

"er........ ok."  
Valkyrie got to work, Fletcher sat watching them. They were adding food colouring when Skulduggery came in.

"What the hell is going on?"

"Tanith? You tell him!"

"Kay, WE" she gestured to Valkyrie and herself, "are making rainbow muffins!"

"What?"

"Rainbow muffins!"

"Yes, I heard the first time, but er, what are they?"

"Muffins! DUH!"

A bag of flour on the table lifted and smacked Tanith on the back of the head as she turned away................... She whipped round, her blond hair dusty white.

"Ohhhhhhhh!" Tanith growled "Now its WAR!"

Before anyone knew what was happening, they were all covered in the cooking ingredients except Fletcher.

Skulduggery and Tanith went to get cleaned up.  
Fletcher and Valkyrie were left alone in the kitchen, Fletcher seemed untouched by any of the ingredients, where as Valkyrie was absolutley covered!  
She looked at Fletcher for a moment then at the ingredients, she thought about chucking one at him but decided on a different idea instead.

"FREE HUGS!" She yelled, and dived at Fletcher, Fletcher couldnt teleport fast enough, and Valkyrie hit him like an arrow from a bow.  
Fletcher fell over the back of the chair and Valkyrie landed on top of him. She put her head on his chest and sighed.  
He looked at himself covered in flour and egg, then sighed.  
He ran a hand through his hair and screamed-

"SHIT! VALKYRIE! YOU RUINED..."

"Yes?"

"YOU RUINED MY.........."

"Spit it out............... I ruined your?"

"YOU RUINED MY HAIR!"

She rolled off of him, and onto the floor, he sat up, she was led in a pile of flour, her hair now snowy white, her eyes greeney- brown. She smiled and outstretched her hand, the smile turned into a grin, he looked up and a bag of flour hit him on the head.

"OWWWWWWWW!........VAL?!"

"Mmmmmmmmmmm?"

"I am going to kill you!"

"Thats nice, but you are forgetting one thing!"

"Whats that?"

"Im faster than you!"

"We'll see!"

She made a flour angel on the floor where she led, then, she shot up off the ground, and pegged it up the stairs, with Fletcher not far behind!

He caught her at the top of the stairs, because he teleported, and they both fell into fits of giggles.

_

Thanks people. Its kinda bad, but I wanted to keep the food fight fresh in my mind, but maybe I can persuade you to like my story if I give you my special rainbow muffin recipe!? Yes, No, Maybe?

Oh well, you're having it anyway. All my friends want it, so you are privelidged.

150grams of self-raising flour

1tsp of baking powder

70grams of sugar

125ml of semi skimmed or skimmed milk

1 egg

45ml (3tablespoons) vegetable oil)

4 food colourings- preferably red, yellow, green and blue.  
Vanilla essence- not vanilla pod./ or strawberry essence/ or leave plain.

_

1) Preheat oven 200*C (gas mark 6)

2)Mix all ingredients together to form a smooth batter.

3)Divide mixture equally into 7 dishes/ bowls.

4)Add food colouring- dont be afraid to mix colours. - red+blue=purple. red+yellow=orange. etc. then add va / st / no essence.  
bun cases into bun tins blablabla.

5)Layer each colour ontop of each other- DONT WORRY, THE COLOURS WILL STAY THE SAME- but DONT mix otherwise the colours go sludgy brown.

6)Bake for 12-16 minutes, until edges are brown. (To check if cooked all the way through, stick a cocktail stick into the bun, and take it out. If it comes out with bits or liquid on its not cooked. If it comes out clear with no bits/ liquid, leave in for 30more seconds and then take out.)

7) Leave to cool on a cooling rack.

makes 12 buns

Decorate or leave plain.

Serve warm, or cold, but never piping hot.

Presentation/ serving tip, cut in half and place like a butterfly on the plate, add 1 dollop of vanilla ice creamin the middle.

YUMMY!

Enjoy!  
__________

Plz review my story, and also make the muffins, and tell me how they work out.  
Hopefully more stories will come- busy with school at the mo...... x


	8. Mixed up names

Ok so I thought of this randomly....  
It/they actually came to me in a dream....

* * *

"So Valkyrie," Clarabelle asked as Valkyrie sat on the medical bed and Kenspeckle dappled around with cotton buds cleaning up her black eye, "Who punched you? What was the name of the guy?"

"Willy Turt.... and Shirley Knott." Valkyrie stated.

"No it wont hurt, just sit there like a good girl, I am a magical scientist, I will surly not hurt you Valkyrie." Kenspeckle replied like she was asking a question.

"No, Willy Turt... and Shirley Knott." She said again, Kenspeckle looked puzzled. "The name of the guy who punched me was Willy Turt, I wasnt asking 'Will it hurt?' and the other person attacking me was Shirley Knott!"

"Oh sorry!" Kenspeckle muttered and shuffled off to get some antiseptic.

* * *

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery said with his velvety smooth voice. "I would like you to meet Major Luke Twice..."

"No you didnt!" She said and punched him playfully. Taking no notice of the bald man in uniform standing across from them.

"Pardon?" Skulduggery asked.

"Well..... you said 'Made you look twice', so I said no you didnt!" she replied.

"No, Valkyrie, I said meet Mayjor Luke Twice! The man standing opposite you!" Skulduggery answered.

"I do apologise...." Valkyrie muttered to the man.

"Quite understandable." The man replied sharply, he kept his chin up, but glared down his nose at Valkyrie.

And she shuffled from foot to foot.

* * *

"Ahhhh! Justin Thyme!" Skulduggery said as a man approached.

"Skulduggery, that man has been here ten minutes, you are acting like hes late!" Valkyrie stated.

"He's not late......."

"Well why did you say 'Just in time'? Merely stating that he is late!"

"No, Valkyrie, his name is Justin Thyme!"

* * *

"Isabelle Ringing?" Valkyrie asked.

"I can't hear anything!" Skulduggery replied, as a red-headed girl with bouncing curls to her shoulders shook Valkyrie's hand.

"Thats me!" Isabelle replied.

"Well, turn your phone off then!" Skulduggery snapped.

"No," Isabelle replied, "My name is Isabelle Ringing!"

Skulduggery thanked god that he couldnt blush, because if he could have, he knew he would.

* * *

"Dr. Phil McAvity!" Valkyrie said as she walked into the dentist.

"Dont worry Valkyrie, he will!"

"The name of the dentist is Phil McAvity, I didnt say 'Fill my cavity', honestly Skulduggery!" she said rolling her eyes.

* * *

The headmaster of Valkyrie's school walked into the hall and shouted for "Stann Dupp!"

So all the pupils did what he asked.

"No! You idiots! Sit down! I asked for Stann Dupp, I wasn't telling you to stand up!"

* * *

"Hugo First!" Skulduggery said, as they were about to jump off a cliff together- practising cliff diving.

"How about we jump together? Valkyrie replied.

"No, Hugo First!"

"Ok then!" Valkyrie yelled and dived above the rocks and downwards into the sea.

_LATER_

"Valkyrie! What the hell were you doing? We were supposed to jump together! Good job you didnt get hurt!"

"Well you told me to go first!" she retorted.

"No, Valkyrie, I was shouting down the cliffs at a man I know, hes called Hugo First!"

"Oh...." she replied, "So you didnt say 'you go first' then?"

"Nope!" he said whilst Valkyrie shivered and tried to dry herself with her magic.

* * *

I'll see what reaction I get from these, if people like them (probably not) i'll do more! plz review! x


	9. Mixed up names 2

More funny names- even if yuh dont like them- if there is anybody reading these stories, there is no intentional offence to anybody if anyone they know has a name like any of these. Any similarities to any person living or dead is unintentional.

* * *

Tanith and Valkyrie sat in the park, these days there were not many investigations.

"Teresa Green" Tanith said whilst daydreaming.

"Yup Tanith, I thought you would have figured that by now, you are nearly 90 years old!" Valkyrie replied.

"Oh, sorry, I was daydreaming, I used to have a friend called Teresa Green, and shes over there! I didn't say 'Trees are green' even though they are!" Tanith replied.

Valkyrie flopped down onto the grass and rolled onto her belly, whilst Tanith sat down beside her, thinking about Teresa again.  
Whilst Valkyrie stroked the grass.

* * *

"Head in the clouds" Skulduggery said.

"I know her!" Vakyrie replied.

"What?"

"I know Edna Clouds!"

"Who?"

"Edna..... Clouds!" she said slowly and precisley.

"No, Valkyrie, I mean you always have your head in the clouds- daydreaming!"

"I dont!"

"You do!"

"DONT"

"DO"

"DONT"

"DO- I insist!"

"Dont!"

* * *

"Do"

"Aghhhh!"

* * *

" Hey its............. Phil DaJug" Valkyrie said.

_Ten minutes later_

"I filled up some water in the jug like you wanted!" Skulduggery said coming out the house toward Valkyrie who was stood on a ladder cleaning the windows.

"What?"

"Fill the Jug"

"I said Phil DaJug.... That's the name of the guy standing over there!" She said pointing and falling off the ladder....

* * *

"Wendy Windblows.... my hat came off!" Skulduggery said shaking a womans hand and grabbing at his hat.

"This is the first time your hat has come off when the wind blows Skul, your acting like it comes off all the time when the wind blows!" Valkyrie said from beside him.

"Valkyrie, I would like you to meet Wendy Windblows!"

"Oh, sorry...... Why did you choose that name?"

"Well, I am an elemental, and my power is at its strongest when the wind blows, and I also control wind the best!" Wendy replied.

Valkyrie couldnt help but laugh.

"I must appologise for her, she is only a child!"

"Skul, im 16!"

"Proves my point- a child."

"Sometimes I think you're a child! A very tall Skeleton child!" Valkyrie muttered under her breath, then returned to face the woman- Wendy.

* * *

Valkyrie recalled when she once met a builder called Bill Ding.

* * *

"What was the name of that woman again?" Fletcher asked Valkyrie.

"Paula Mooney" Valkyrie answered.

"Pardon?"

"Paula Mooney" she said again.

"Okay, if you really want me to..." Fletcher turned around, and pulled down his pants.

"Fletcher!" Valkyrie yelled, "What the frick are you doing?"

"Im doing what you said- to pull a mooney!"

"No you IDIOT!" she shrieked, "The name of the woman was Paula Mooney, I wasn't telling you to 'pull a mooney'!"

"OOPS!" Fletcher said pulling his pants up, with a massive grin from ear to ear.

* * *

"You" Skulduggery shouted. "Mona Lott!"

"I dont!" Tanith replied.

"Pardon?"

"Skul, I am offended! I dont moan a lot!"

"Sure you dont!"

"I dont!"

"Tanith?"

"Mmmmmm?" she grumbled.

"You're acting like a four year old!"

"I FEEL like a four year old!"

"Really ..........? Cause you look like a twenty year old, and you are really an eighty year old!"

"Hmmmmphhhh!"

* * *

Sorry guys! Bad I know- writers block. Plz review! - the BIG green button below! x


	10. RiverDancing

Valkyrie is 16 in this.

* * *

Valkyrie hated her mother, she had signed Stephanie/Valkyrie up for river-dancing lessons, in preparation for her dad's 40th birthday.

She also hated Skulduggery, because he had insisted that she do the lessons, and he also said that it had to be her, and not her reflection.

Valkyrie was now sat in the bentley next to Skulduggery, scowling out the window, and cursing Skulduggery's name.

Skulduggery occasionally glanced in her direction, then tapped his gloved hands on the steering wheel.

"Valkyrie?"

"WHAT?" she snapped.

"What is the problem?"

"Problem? Oh no bloody problem, im fuckin' fine!"

"You're obviously not fine Valkyrie." he stated, his tone softening.

"I just dont want to do these stupid river-dancing lessons! Thats all!"

"I can river-dance!"

"As you have stated at least 20million times already!"

"Somebody is grumpy! Does she need a nappy-wappy?"

"No! She doesnt need a fuckin 'nappy-wappy' cuz shes NOT tired!" she burst out, using her fingers as quotation marks.

"Ok, ok, ok, dont get your thong in a twist!" he murmered.

"Just to let you know, I dont wear thongs, I wear fully respectable knickers!..............." She glared at him, but this had no see-able effects. "I hate you!"

"I know Val, I know."

Valkyrie huffed.

The bently slowed,

"ok then here's your stop!" Skulduggery said as the bentley stopped outside a rundown old building named 'Dance Expression Clubhouse'.

Valkyrie slowly and reluctanly got out the car, and muttered her goodbyes.

"Bye Valkyrie, I mean Stephanie, have fun!"

"Huh, not likely!" she said forcing on a fake smile.

"Pick you up here in an hour!"

He watched Valkyrie drag her feet to the front doors, he chuckled.

_1 hour later_

Valkyrie hurried out of the doors, and into the rain, she ran forward and wrenched open the bentley door and more or less fell in.

"How was it?" he asked.

"Fuckin' awful!" she sighed.

The drive home was silent.

They both got out the bentley, and into the rain.

"Care to river dance, maam?" Skulduggery asked.

"Only if you never call me 'maam' again." she replied.

"Okay then."

Skulduggery walked towards the bentley and switched on his radio. Irish river-dance music muffled quietly, then, Skulduggery turned up the radio. And flicked a shuffled alond the floor until he was infront of Valkyrie, she looked at him, laughed then joined in, following his lead with kicking, shuffling, tapping and stepping just like him, they both were covered in little rain dots.

They made a good team.

After a couple of minutes, the music went off, and a man telling traffic reports came on, they were both thoroughly soaked, and their clothes were stuck to them, so much so that Valkyrie could see Skulduggerys ribs clearly through his shirt, and Valkyries bra was visible, but only to herself- she thanked god she wore a black T-shirt, or this would have been quite awqward.

Skulduggery walked to the bentley and switched off the radio.

Then walked back to Valkyrie, she looked at him and hugged him.

"I have to go." she said. "I'm tired."

"Sweet dreams!" he replied.

"Yeh, that'll be the day!" she retorted.

"Oh ok. Bye!"

"Bye!" she said, and walked over to the side of the house, and stood directly under her window, she used the air to propell her upwards, but she was so tired she could only just catch hold of her window, she pulled the window open, and toppled through and landed on the floor.

Then Tanith stormed in......

"CLUBBING!" Tanith yelled.

There was a tap on the window and Skulduggerys voice shouted,

"NO NO NO NO NO!"

Tanith and Valkyrie just snickered......


	11. Taniths concoction

Val is 15.

Valkyrie sat with Tanith in the living-room, they were slouched on the sofa, and they were bored- there had been no cases for two weeks.  
Valkyrie sat cradling her newly mended arm, which she had broken 3hours ago on Tanith's motorbike.  
Tanith sat whistling and tapping her feet.

"Well, we have done everything on our list, what do you want to do now?" Tanith asked.

"Tanith we don't have a list..... and I dunno, watch a film?" Valkyrie questioned.

"Okay, that's not a bad idea." Tanith answered.

"You pick- I cant be bothered." Valkyrie said, then she stretched and yawned.

"I'll go make some snacks too....." Tanith chattered.

"Ye please! What we having though?" Valkyrie asked eagerly.

"Tanith surprise...!" Tanith said wagling her fingers like jazz hands.

Valkyrie looked puzzled, but didn't question her.

"Right, i've picked..... 'John Tucker must die'....." Tanith said as she wandered in.

"Nice pick, give it ere." Valkyrie mumbled.

"Kay." Tanith threw the dvd, and Valkyrie caught it with her good hand/arm. "Do you have any ice cream?"

"Erm, ye." Valkyrie looked puzzled. "In the garrage freezer, third drawer down, but we only have rasberry ripple."

"Kay, rasberry nipples it is!"

Valkyrie laughed. She dropped off the sofa, shuffled over to the dvd player, and inserted the dvd into the slot.  
There was a loud clatter or two in the kitchen.

"I hope you don't like the china plates with pink flowers on them!"

"No, it's okay, I hate pink anyway! But mum might question me! ahhh well....."

"Good! Where'd ya keep the dust-pan and brush?" Tanith yelled.

"Erm, behind the bin!" Valkyrie yelled back thinking it over to make sure she was right, then she started to make her way back to the sofa.

"Thanks!" Tanith called, "Found it!!!!"

8 minutes later Tanith came into the living room with two massive bowls, she handed one to Valkyrie, who was now sat cross legged on the sofa again.  
Valkyrie peeked into the dish afraid it might be something horrific, but it wasn't too bad, not like the tuna and chocolate ice-cream she had been given last time, or the ketchup and chocolate with apple and peanuts like the time before.

This time it was: Rasberry ripple ice-cream, with chocolate chips (dark, milk and light), golden syrup, and grated lemon rind.  
Valkyrie balanced the bowl on her knee, nearly half a tub of ice-cream in the dish, and grabbed the spoon, she got some of 'Tanith's concoction', and held it level with her mouth, she then stared at it, before closing her eyes, and shoving the spoon in her mouth.

She let the ice-cream melt on her tounge first, then chewed the chocolate chips and lemon rind, then finally, she let the golden syrup slide down her throat.  
She looked at Tanith and smiled.

"Best one yet!" She got the two controllers, and pressed for the surround sound to come on, it did.  
Then she pressed for ~ENGLISH~ then she pressed ~PLAY~.

They laughed at the movie, especially the thongs bit.  
Valkyrie still hadn't eaten all her portion of Taniths food. Fletcher appeared in the room, and he snatched the bowl off Valkyrie and shovelled a spoonful into his mouth.

"OI!" she yelled. "That's mine!"

"Not anymore!" he stuck his tounge out, which had a chocolte chip balanced on the end of it.

"It's got peanut butter in it!" Valkyrie lied.

"Ewwww! Yuck yuck yuck! Blech! Agh!" he yelled, and put the dish back on Valkyrie's knee.

Valkyrie and Tanith laughed, Fletcher bent over, and rubbed at his tounge, trying to get the taste away.  
Valkyrie took an opportunity, he was in the perfect stance, in the perfect place, she put the bowl on the arm of the sofa, stuck out her leg, and swung it twice before it smacked into Fletcher's bum, he was sent nose first into the floor. Valkyrie and Tanith were clutching themselves from laughter.

Skulduggery walked in.

"Tanith."

Valkyrie was reeling, laughing her head off. Tanith had calmed down but was still smirking and a little snort let out every so often.  
Skulduggery picked up the bowl off the arm of the sofa and looked at it....

"Tanith?"

"Yes?"

"Has Valkyrie had ice-cream?"

"Yes."

"That explains it then."

Valkyrie was running round yelling and laughing, altogether hyper.

They all thought back to the time when it was Tanith's birthday, they had all come round to Gordon's mansion for a tea-party, the starter and main had gone down well, but when it came to the dessert, it had been ice-cream. Valkyrie was hyper on cold foods, and sugar, ice-cream was both of these things, she hadn't been able to contain herself, she had been laughing at ANYTHING anybody said. She kept falling off her chair, even the chairs with arms on the sides she still managed to fall off them. This time though, there was chocolate and golden syrup added.

"Tanith, catch her before she either burns the house down or soaks it." Skulduggery ordered.

"Yes sir!"

The next two hours consisted of laughing and trying to catch Valkyrie....

Three hours later

"Tanith!"

"Yes Skul?"

"I'm going to kill you!"

They stood on the drive of Gordons mansion, waiting for the fire brigade to come, whilst watching Gordons living room flicker with orange light, and watching fire lick the walls, floors, ceiling and furniature. Tanith now had Valkyrie's bowl in her hand.

They also watched Valkyrie wheel around the grass, oblivious to everything that was going on. Everyone was watching her with awe.  
"Kespeckle?" Skulduggery asked down the phone. "Please can I have the permission to use that tranquilizer shot you gave me, on..... someone.  
"Who, Skulduggery?"  
"Errrr, Fletcher?" he lied, Skulduggery looked at Tanith, Tanith looked at Fletcher, Fletcher looked worried.  
"I suppose so..."  
"Thankyou!"

"Don't worry Fletcher, i'm using it on Valkyrie not you. You should see your face!"  
Fletcher sighed then a look of relief spread across his sharp featured face.

Skulduggery grabbed hold of Valkyrie, (this took great effort) and carefully jammed the tranquilizer into her leg.  
1 minute later she was asleep, and in Skulduggery's arms.

"Tanith?" Fletcher asked.

"Yes Fletcher?" she sighed.

"Does that really have peanut butter in?" he whined.

"No." she said simply.

The fire brigade arrived.....

Fletcher snatched the bowl and ate the rest of Tanith's concoction whilst watching the fire brigade in action.

"It's like a free movie!" Fletcher squealed.

Tanith rolled her eyes....


	12. why cant it be black?

"Val, stop messing with it you look amazing!" Tanith said for the millionth time.

"I feel.... uncomfortable, why can't it be black?" Valkyrie whined.

Valkyrie was stood infront of her wardrobe, looking in her full lentgh mirror, Tanith was sat on Valkyrie's bed, trying to reasure Valkyrie that she looked beautiful.  
She was wearing a royal blue dress that trailed to the floor, with a slit up the side to her mid-thigh, gold lace trailing aroung the corset, neck line and slit. Ghastly had made it specially for her prom, Fletcher was taking her.

"Fletcher won't be able to keep his hands off you!" Tanith squealed, Valkyrie blushed.

"Tanith, I look awful!"

"Thats because I haven't done your make-up yet! You nilly!" She said it like she was talking to a baby, though she might as well have been talking to a brick wall.

"Tanith I look awful!" Valkyrie whined.

Skulduggery appeared in the doorway,

"Wow Valkyrie, I have a present for you downstairs, you can wear them to the prom if you like, well, if Tanith lets you..." Skulduggery tried sticking his bottom lip out, but then remembered he didnt have a bottom lip.

"Skulduggery, they'll hardly go with her dress now will they?" Tanith huffed.

"I have impecable taste Tanith, they are the right colour, so dont fret!" Skulduggery pleaded.

"Can someone tell me what you two are bickering about?" Valkyrie asked getting stressed.

"NOTHING!" they both replied innocently.

"I know you're both thinking I look awful, so just admit it...." Valkyrie mumbled.

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery whipered, "honestly, you look stunning!"

"Thanks for trying...." Valkyrie whipered.

"Im not TRYING Valkyrie, i'm telling the truth."

Valkyrie smiled. Skulduggery hugged her, then walked out.

"Val?" Tanith asked.

"Yes?" Valkyrie replied.

"I hope you dont mind, but im lacing up the corset tighter. Oh, and if you say anything bad about your appearance I will have to kill you!"

"Ugh..." Tanith began unthreading the corset. Once she had finnished, she started lacing it up again this time tighter. "Agh, Tanith...... can't.....breathe......too......tight!"

"Sorry Val...."

When the corset was laced properly, Tanith began with Valkyrie's hair, it was a beautiful dark coppery-brown, it was silky soft, shiny, and down to her elbow.  
She curled it, it took about an hour to get the whole thing perfect, using the curlers, then spraying each curl with hairspray one by one. Once Tanith had finnished curling it, she clipped it into a fancy pony-tail, so that the pony-tail came down the front of Valkyrie's right shoulder, then she put a tiara of small lilies on to her hair like an alice-band.

Tanith finnished the hair, and started on the make-up.  
Valkyrie groaned.  
She didnt usually wear make-up except mascara and if her lips were chapped she wore lipsyl.

Tanith dusted Valkyrie's eyelids with a sparkly-gold eyeshadow.  
Then she applied extreme black eyeliner.  
Then some extreme black volume lengthening mascara.  
Finally she applied some light pink rimmel-london high-gloss lipstick, and she topped it off with a flourish of clear lipgloss.

Valkyrie was allowed to look into the mirror, and she smiled.

"Val, you look AMAZING! By the way, the lipstick is kiss-proof just in case!" Tanith chattered. Valkyrie grinned and laughed. "Fletcher is downstairs, wiating for you."

"Tanith....?"

"Yes?"

"I'm not wearing any shoes...."

"Ahhh, I put them downstairs."

"No, they are over there in the corner!"

"Agh, just shut up and go downstairs."

"Errrr, okay...."

Fletcher stood waiting at the bottom of the stairs, first he saw two bear feet, then he saw pale but beautiful legs appear, then the blue dress trailing behind, then the bottom-half of the dress, then her waist, then her chest, then her arms: one on either banister as she walked down the stairs, then her slender neck, then her face. He nearly fell over- he had never seen Valkyrie dressed up or with make-up on before, she looked beyond stunning!

"Wow......" was all he could say. Skulduggery walked over from the living room, and saw what he was staring at.

"Wow......" was all he could say.

"Erm, i've been told that you have something for me Skul?"

"Yes, Fletcher does too, but get mine first..."

Skulduggery handed her a box. "Open it!"  
She looked at the shiny silver paper, she fingered the black ribbon that was embracing the paper and the object inside.  
She slipped off the bow, ripped off the paper, and opened the box within.  
Gold Doc Martens.

"Wow, I love them!"

"You can wear them now if you like?" Tanith requested.

"Don't mind if I do!" She pulled the shoes on and laced them up, they fitted perfectly! "Skul, this must have cost you loads! They are special edition, and they are paintent!"

"I dont mind! Just wear them as often as possible so you get your wear out of them!" Skulduggery ordered, Valkyrie saluted.

"Hey Val, when you saluted it reminded me of a joke!"

"Go on then..."

"What happened when the martial arts idiot joined the military?"

"I dont know, what happened when the martial arts idiot joined the military?"

"The first time he saluted, he almost killed himself!"

"HaHa Skul, that was such a good joke im dieing of laughter..." She replied without enthusiasm.

"Really?"

"God no, that was terrible!"

Fletcher came and gave her his gift- a coursage, he laced it on her wrist and said-

"Roses are for eternal love, lilies are for sweetness and orchids are for the rare and special people who you love...."

"Aww...... Fletcher, that was so sweet!" Tanith butted in.

"Love you Fletch." Valkyrie said.

"Love you too."

They kissed for a moment, and Valkyrie looked at her dress.

"Tanith...... do I really look okay?"

"Shut up and go before I kill you!" Tanith growled playfully.


	13. tanith's motorbike

Tanith used to love her motorbike... until she crashed it.

Tanith had taken a sharp unfamiliar turn and misjudged the velocity of it. There was a screech of tyres, and she had just managed to throw herself off the bike as it sped into a jagged brick wall.  
There was a loud bang and a sound of grinding metal.  
Tanith rolled to a crouch and looked over to her beloved bike.  
"My baby! No..."  
She walked over to the bike and it gave out a spark, the engine was still miraculously running, Tanith pulled back the handles and turned the key to stop the engine.  
She picked it up and propped it against the wall, loosing the back wheel in the process, she sighed in frustration.  
She reached into her leather pocket and pulled out her cellphone, noticing a very bloody gash down her arm.  
Hastily she jabbed at the buttons and held the cellphone to her ear.  
"Come on... answer already." she muttered.  
"Hello? Tanith?" came Ghastlys voice and the 'rmmmm chug chug chug' of the sewing machine.  
"Hey... Ghastly." she looked over at her motorbike. "I chrashed my bike, can you come pick me up?"  
"Errr, sure. I'll bring my van so you can put your motorbike in the back of it. Do you need any medical stuff?"  
"No, just a small gash on my arm."  
"That means a big gash, right?"  
"Sorta."  
"Alright, where are you?"  
"Erm I honestly dont know, i'll walk to the end of the road and look for a street name."  
"Okay."  
"Its called..... Dorset street...?"  
"Yes, i'll be there in a few."  
"Thanks."  
"Bye."  
"Bye."

1 and a half hours later.

When Ghastly reached Dorset street he found Tanith with her helmet under her arm, and she was leaning against a brick wall. Her bike was next to her and she was frowning at her feet.  
"Well hello there." Ghastly's voice came.  
"Oh, hello, thankyou, where in the name of Geoffrey have you been?" He didnt answer, she sighed and cringed at her motorbike.  
She picked it up- it was very heavy and shuffled her way awkwardly to the back of the van. She wrenched the back of the van open and then heaved and tried to put her motorbike in.  
"Need help Tanith?"  
"No, im okay!"  
She struggled for a few more minutes, Ghastly couldnt take it any longer, he opened his door and grabbed Tanith's motorbike and lifted it with ease into the van.  
"Thanks..." Tanith mumbled and walked over to pick up the escapee tyre.  
"Think nothing of it." Ghastly replied with a shrug.  
Ghastly hurried back to the drivers side and climbed in then accidentally slammed the door.  
Tanith shut the back door after throwing in the tyre and made her way to the passengers side and hauled herself into the van as it started to rain then she heaved the door shut.  
"Gordons?" Ghastly asked her.  
"Please."  
"Okay, I need to see Skul about his new suit anyway."  
Tanith nodded.

10 minutes later.

They arrived at Gordons.  
Valkyrie came out and opened the front door.  
"Tanith? We have something for you!"  
"Me?" Tanith raised an eyebrow. Valkyrie nodded. She got excited. "Errr, what is it?"  
"Mind your nosey!"  
Tanith made her way to the door and Valkyrie grabbed her and put a blindfold over her head. "No, peeking!"  
"Im not!" Tanith protested.  
Valkyrie steered Tanith through the house and Tanith tried to keep a mental map of where they were, but Valkyrie kept spinning her around so she got very confused.  
"Okay." Valkyrie said and Tanith tried to pull the blindfold off, Valkyrie slapped her hand. "Oi! NO PEEKING!"  
Tanith huffed. They stopped walking.  
Tanith heard the clip clop of shoes a knew it was Skulduggery, then she heard the clip clap and knew it was Ghastly.  
Valkyrie pulled the blindfold off Tanith's head.

Tanith looked at the massive present infront of her.  
She gasped.  
"A MOTORBIKE? YOU GOT ME A NEW MOTORBIKE?" she squealed.  
"Yep." Valkyrie answered.  
"Oh my god!"  
"We all cashed in..." Skulduggery answered. "Because we are all very nice very fashionable suave people!"  
Valkyrie elbowed him in the ribs.  
"Is that why you took so long Ghastly?" Tanith asked.  
"Yes, I picked up Val and Skul and we went to get you a new bike, Skulduggery insisted we go for black like your old one, but Val saw this one and said you'd love it, scarlett red. And since she's a girl we went with her decision..."  
"Oh, I love it! I was getting bored of black anyway... Do I have to pay you back?" Tanith asked cheekily.  
"No, it's nearly your birthday and this is a joint present and we all have some other small things for you too." Valkyrie said.  
"You want to go for a ride?" Tanith asked Valkyrie whilst ripping off the silver ribbon.  
"Yes!" Valkyrie shouted loudly.  
"No, Valkyrie you're not!" Skulduggery butted in quickly.  
"Sure im not..." Valkyrie said taking a step colser to the bike. "I'm not going to go on the bike." she said taking another step. "Because I always do everything you say..." She swung her leg over the bike and sat behind Tanith. Tanith pulled on her helmet and handed Valkyrie one. "See, i'm not going on the bike... am I?"  
Tanith started the engine and they shot through the house leaving a trail of black tyre marks and stopped at the front door.  
"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO RIDE MOTORBIKES INDOORS!" Skulduggery yelled.  
"Oh well!" Came the reply from Tanith and Valkyrie.  
"Gordon would be very ashamed!" He said trying to make them feel guilty.  
"I doubt it, he loved motorbikes, and he isnt here is he?" Valkyrie said winking at Tanith and pulling the cherry red helmet onto her head.  
Then they shot through the front door and into the garden and down towards the gate, they stopped at the gate and waved to Ghastly and Skulduggery, then they shot like a bullet from a gun through the gate and down the street whilst Valkyrie squealed and gripped Taniths waist and laughing all the while.

"That girl..." Skulduggery mumbled. "...never does what she's bloody well told!"  
Ghastly put a hand on Skulduggery's shoulder.  
"What colour do you want your next suit?" he asked.  
Skulduggery shook his head and chuckled...

* * *

Hope you liked it, **all characters belong to Mr Derek Landy, King of Stories**. Sorry if things like this have been done before.  
R&R! "love ya'll" as Sanguine would say.  
Bye. xx


	14. Hammy on ice

Valkyrie was on her way to Gordons mansion, she was walking over black-ice and she had slipped several times.  
Valkyrie got to the gates of Gordons mansion and made her way up the slight hill, she found it very hard to keep her balance.  
She slipped.  
She put her hands out infront of her and they hit the cold hard ice, she let herself flop down onto her belly and then skidded from halfway up the hill to the bottom of it, she groaned.  
She put her face on the wet ice and shivered.  
Tanith pulled up on her motorbike, there was a schreech of tyres and then she confidently skidded the back wheel to the pavement, kicking up a shower of water and slush and ice.  
Tanith got off the bike and walked to the gate and saw Valkyrie lying on the floor,  
"Need help Val?" Tanith asked as she walked with ease towards Valkyrie.  
"No... I'm good." She mumbled.  
Tanith carried on to the front door which was locked but Tanith had her own key and knew the code for the alarm.  
Valkyrie stood up and tried again to walk to the front door, she slipped again and failed.  
Fletcher walked up the pathway, he had his ipod in and his head was raised, he didnt see Valkyrie so he fell ontop of her, she blushed. Fletcher took one headphone out of his ear.  
"Oh, hey, what you doing?" He asked.  
"Being squished by a hedgehog headed moron!" She snapped.  
"Oh, sorry."  
He got up and moved along.  
Ghastly pulled up in his van.  
"You need help?" he asked as he walked by.  
"No, im fine..."  
"Okay then, if you need help shout."  
Valkyrie nodded and put her head down on the ice again.  
A few minutes later the Bentley pulled up at the gates.  
Skulduggery got out of the car and walked towards Valkyrie.  
"How's the weather down there?" he shouted.  
"I'm not deaf! And its bloody FREEZING!" she retorted.  
"Need help?"  
"No, im good."  
Skulduggery started unwrapping his scarf as he headed to the front door.  
_2 hours later  
_Valkyrie tried to get up, she managed and began to climb for the umpteenth time.  
She got to a thick patch of black ice and she had to walk faster,  
_she walked faster and faster and faster, it was like a cartoon, no matter how fast she ran she wouldn't go anywhere.  
She sighed in frustration and let herself fall.  
_Skulduggery, Ghastly, Tanith and Fletcher chuckled as they watched her from the window.  
_5 minutes later_  
"You need help?" Skulduggery called out from the front door.  
"If you wouldnt mind..." she mumbled.  
Skulduggery walked towards her and when he got to her he bent down and scooped her up.  
"My GOD! YOUR BLOODY FREEZING!" Skulduggery exclaimed.  
"That happens when you get stuck in snow for ages..." she muttered. He began to walk with her to the door.  
"No, Valkyrie, that happens when YOU get stuck in the snow for ages, we all got to the house fine..." he gestured to the window.  
"Shut up."  
"I dont want to shut up."  
"I said shut up."  
"No."  
"Yes."  
"No."  
"YES!"  
"No."  
"Just shut up! Or else i'll get the biggest ruddy dog you have EVER seen and tell him to dig a hole and burry you in it!"  
"Empty threats again..."  
"It's not an empty threat..."  
"Oh really?"  
"Yes REALLY!"  
"I dont see any dogs around here..."  
"Shut up."  
"No. You look like a hamster."  
"Ugh..."  
"I win! I'll call you... Hammy."  
"You do not win! I like Hammy, Hammy sounds cute."  
"Okay shut up..."  
"No..."  
"Yes."  
"You are an 'abomination'!" she said to him mimiking Baron Vengeous.  
"And an excuisite one at that."  
"Ugh..."  
"I win."  
"Shush!"  
"No."  
"If I give Hammy some cheese will she shut up?"  
"No."  
"Does Hammy want some cheese?"  
"Hammy wants to beat you up!"  
"Hammy is a rowdy Hamster."  
"Yes, a very cute rowdy hamster."  
They reached the front door and he put her down.  
"Thanks." she said and hugged him.  
"Your welcome Hammy."  
Valkyrie smiled. She turned around and tripped over the doormat.  
Everyone came to the doormat, took one look at her and laughed.

* * *

My next chappie will be about Green Cheese... dont ask... xx


	15. Davvy the Jedi!

Okay, so this is a story about a teacher at my school... who likes starwars and is also author of one of Skulduggery Pleasant's favourite books- H.C Davenport. (i am actually being serious (he didnt write the book, just a guy with the same name)) anyway in the story what happened to me is what is happeneing here to Val... btw Mr Davenport is OBSESSED with StarWars... we call him MR DAVVY! ENJOY! (hopefull u will)...

* * *

I stood outside the door, ready for my science lesson, waiting for the replacement teacher as the other teacher had been gone a while for an opperation. Rori, Skye and Lily all stood beside me.  
I stood drumming my fingers on the wall and humming 'Suddenly I see- KT Tunstall' with my legs crossed, people across from me were giggling and staring at me and various boys were running by me and thinking it funny to flick my hair although I knew they were only 'having a laugh.'  
"Ey mate." one of the boys said to a goofy looking boy with bleach-blonde hair "You commin' back to my gaff tonight?" (if you didnt know gaff means house)  
"Oreight mate. Ye'll come." then he shoved his hands in his pockets and strutted over to the giggling girls who giggled and flicked their fringes as he came.  
Gary Prince walked up to me and stood next to me, I looked at him, smiled then turned away in time to see the replacement teacher stroll slowly down the corridor with his battered up old suitcase that he usually said "When my suitcase breaks i'll know it's time to retire." but the suit case hadnt broken yet... shame.  
He came up to us and didnt even apologise for being 20minutes late, then he unlocked the door and sat on the chair at the front of the classroom. As we came in and walked past him he told us to correct our uniforms e.g top buttons, shirts, ties, skirt lengths etc.  
We all huffed but did as he said.  
We walked swiftly to our desks and dropped our bags under the table then we sat down. Mr Davenport stood up and then projected his voice-  
"I can see some messy uniforms after I TOLD you to correct them! Stand Up! NOW!"  
We all groaned and there was a scrape of chairs as we stood up and turned to see his bright red face. "You sit down when I tell you to sit down you eejits!"  
We all rolled our eyes and then I tapped my foot impatiently on the floor. We all corrected our uniforms.  
"NOW you can sit down...." he yelled.  
"Woopyfuckindooooo...." we all muttered, unbuttoning our top buttons.  
He was actually fairly funny in a strange way of falling over chairs and not even knowing that me and Gary and Skye were throwing pieces of broken-off eraser at the back of his head. (i said eraser because over here (Ireland and England) it's rubber, but over in America it means something quite different...). He was tall, slightly podgy, he had gray wiry hair, and he wore a tired looking old suit. It looked like he had just pulled it out of a trashbin compared with Skulduggery's specially tailored suits.  
I chucked and unusually large piece of eraser at the back of his head and he whipped round and glared at us with his beady eyes. He gave us some work out of a textbook to do- something about distillation.  
Then he started rambling on about us all being dossers (layabouts and useless), and how we never listen... I dont really know what he said because to be honset I wasn't really listening.  
Sir was like a walking book, seriously. We could ask him anything and he would probably give us the right answer, so Kiesha put her hand up and asked "What's the answer to number 4 Sir?"  
"Well, distillation... if you go into a desert you can use this process to turn your urine into pure water... if you had the right equipment, so if you didnt have leibig condenser thingymabob, you could use plastic bags instead, obviously not ASDA ones as they would leak... unless you taped the holes if you had brought stickytape with you..."  
He rambled on for ages, then some idiot asked again "Whats the answer to number 4 sir?"  
And he rambled the whole thing out again like a record.  
5 minutes later.  
"What's the answer to number 4?"  
this kept happening... he didnt have a darn clue that we were trying to piss him off by keep asking him. He stayed completely calm.  
About ten minutes later of writing and flicking rulers and pens across the table, someone asked Mr Davenport.  
"Sirrrrr? Do you know Darthvader?"  
"Know him? KNOW HIM?! Why yes son, he is actually my uncle!"  
"Oh my giddy god..." I muttered. "We have a snowball in hell's chance that he'll stop talking about StarWars for the rest of the lesson."  
Gary nodded, then smirked.  
I elbowed him in the ribs, I didnt think I did it that hard, but he fell off his chair.  
"Don't fall..." I mumbled helping up off the floor "It gets you down."  
He sat back on his chair and we had a ruler fight- using our rulers as lightsavers.  
Then sir came behind us.  
We thought he was going to shout, but instead...

He joined in!

He was quite good to say he was an old trout, he was a little too heavy when he managed to bop you on the head with Rori's ruler.  
Rori, well, he just sat there doing a goldfish impression and then yelling "wooooooo! woo woo woo! go.... Va.. i mean Steph!"  
Yes you guessed it Rori is Fletcher, but that isnt his given name, its just one we made up for school.  
Rori was now flicking pencil sharpeners across his table that flew off the table and struck Mr Davenport on his aaaarrr..... backside.  
Finally when Mr Davvy stopped bopping us over the heads with Rori's ruler, he turned and went back to his chair, rambling on about StarWars and his favourite day of the year...  
"May the Fourth."  
"May the fourth be with you..."  
HaHaHaHa... (sarcastic) im laughing soooo much i wet myself...  
Walking up to the front of the classroom, I stopped and looked at everybody, they were nodding telling me something about StarWars and religion.  
I walked up to Davvy and said-  
"Mr Dav...enport?"  
"Yes Miss Edgley?"  
"What religion are you?"  
"Why I Miss Edgley am a Jedi."  
I nearly chocked on my breath.  
"Jedi?" I managed to cough through.  
"Yes..."  
"So, who is GOD in StarWars?" I asked trying to look really interested.  
"Why Yoda of course!" Everyone sniggered at the high-pitched change of his voice then ducked their heads when he looked at them and scowled.  
"And the er.... Devil?"  
"The Devil? That would be..."  
"DarthVader?" I asked.  
"Pecisely!"  
"So it would seem in this case... you are nephew of the devil....?"  
He nodded and rambled on till the lesson ended. I was ver ver ver confused.

We all walked out of the lesson and were doing impreesions of Davvy when we turned around just in time to see him pick up his suitcase and everything fall out the bottom of it, we laughed then Rori, Skye, Lily and I yelled-  
"For he's a jolly good JEDI, for he's a jolly good JEDI. For he's a jolly good JEDI! And now he's gonna retire!"  
Then hell broke loose and we had a very violent ruler fight whilst walking down the corridor. We didnt even stop when we saw Greeney (Mr Green), but he yelled at us and we walked with our heads down, then as soon as we past the double doors, we carried on the ruler fight and started yelling. Then each of us got a sharp BOP on the head and so we turned around slowly and saw Davvy towering above us and he said  
"May the force be with you..."  
And we fought all the way down the corridors, getting very strange looks, but no-one said anything. They were too busy gawking at Davvy and his mini-pen-lightsaver.

* * *

Ver ver funny day...

* * *

People at my school are absolutely INSANE! - tried selotaping my ruler back together, it went COMPLETELY arseways and I seriously banjaxed my ruler...

* * *

luv u peeps! xx plz R&R! XxxxxxxxxxxX


	16. Lucifer Jinx

This is a short story about an OC, he is a bad guy and tbh he sometimes forgets that point... he's a bad boy, with a soft spot for Tanith Low... i hope you like it...

-  
Lucifer Jinx stood, leant against the wall of an alley, arms folded, legs loosely crossed. His short blondey-white hair now stood in place after it had been savagely blown about by the wind. He was contempt leaning againt the wall of the alley, he was sheltered from the wind and the rain, but he could still look up and see the stars, it was a starry-night as there were no clouds, the sky was dark blue and the moon was delimited by each small star that twinkled with tranquility.

"Lucifer."  
Lucifer whipped round to his left to see Tanith Low, beautiful as ever, walking towards him. Her hair settled as she stepped into the alley and her knuckles were white as they were clenched tightly around the handle of her sword. Her leathers were tight fitting and her muscles rippled as she moved casually to him.  
"You've been a bad boy Lucifer." she said, a snicker playing on her lips.

"You here to arrest me? What've I done now?" his scottish accent appearing slightly as he raised his voice.

"You're under arrest..."

"For what possible crime?"

"The murder of several people around Ireland."  
Lucifer looked at his feet and smiled.

"Never catch me." he mumbled, then he looked at Tanith and edged closer to her. "I'm too fast I am. Thought you'd have know that from OUR days babe." Tanith flinched, she had tried to forget that she had fallen for Lucifer ten years back. Jinx smiled and licked his top lip.

"You never were that special Jinx." Tanith growled.

"Quit it, I know you want to kiss me here and now. You still love me babe. I can tell." All Tanith saw was a blurr, and then Lucifer had her pressed against the wall, his mouth at her neck. "We could go for coffee if you like..."

"You're not my type any more Lucifer. And I don't like coffee..." she said calmly. All the while she was slowly pulling her scabbard out of her belt.

"Then you obviously don't know what your type is Tan." Tanith shivered at his warm breath on her neck, then she flicked her wrist and bashed her scabbard against his chin.  
Tanith turned to her right and saw him near the bottom end of the alley, clutching at his chin, dabbing it to see if he was bleeding.  
There was another blurr and the next thing she knew was that her belly was on the wall and her arms were being held behind her back, she craned her neck, but didn't have to crane it far. Lucifer's face was beside hers.

"You shouldn't have done that Miss Low. You know I have anger issues. You still got that nice scar I gave you?"  
He lifted the back of her top and found the scar he had made on her back, along with a long line down her back and several others.  
He loosened his grip ever so slightly and Tanith whipped round and kicked him in the sternum, hard.  
He went flying to the opposite wall and smacked into it.

"Stop trying to flirt with me Lucifer."

"What are you going to do about it?" he mumbled, getting up off the floor.

"This" said Skulduggery Pleasant, undisguised, stepping off the alley wall and punching Jinx hard across the face. Jinx tumbled back and snarled.

"Lovely night out." Skulduggery said somnolently, looking up at the stars. Jinx charged and punched Skulduggery and kicked him, Skulduggery turned away and swung to Jinx, blasting him with a punch powered with air. Jinx's world rocked and white lights exploded in his vision, he stumbled and grabbed at the wall, then he hissed-

"Don't you dare hit me again Skeleton."

"How about me?" whispered Valkyrie Cain behind Jinx. Jinx stiffened and started to turn. "Can I hit you?" and she threw a massive punch that sent him wheeling and then she sweeped his legs from under him. Skulduggery cocked his head. Valkyrie could tell that if Skulduggery could smile he would be doing- she had used one of his punch lines.

Tanith stepped up and kicked him under the chin so that he went sprawling onto his back.  
"Now you know who you're dealing with..." Tanith growled. Then she hauled him to his feet, he tried to punch her but she sliced his knuckle and then she ran towards him, did a little knee and shot her leg upwards in a hitch-kick, then she punched him, right between the eyes and he blacked-out.

....

Lucifer Jinx awoke in a cell. He knew it was a cell because there were bars and a horrible looking bed.

Tanith Low walked up to the cell because she had heard noises coming from it.

"Lucifer... how are you?" she asked cheerfully, "You still sore from that ass-kicking we gave you yesterday night?"

"Yes..." he grumbled. "I'm fairly sore."

"Okay then, serves you right."

"GO DIE AND GO TO HELL!" Lucifer roared at Tanith.

"I have other plans..." she called back. "Have a nice day Jinx."

"I have other plans!" he yelled.

Tanith walked out, away from the Gaol, hips swaying, hair swishing, ego building.

"So." Valkyrie asked. "How is he?"

"Needing anti-depressants and a serious massage..."

Valkyrie smiled. She turned to Skulduggery.

"Well," Skulduggery said "He's probably regretting his life choices right now..."

"As all bad guys do once we have dealt with them..." Valkyrie mumbled.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This was just ramblings about Lucifer Jinx. If you guys like him I can do more. I'm also thinking of doing a story about Tanith or Valkyrie... telling about how they get tortured by bad guys... past, present and future...

I HAVE COOKIES FOR EVERYONE WHO REVIEWS!!! ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS REVIEW AND COME TO THE DARK SIDE!!! If not... go live over the bridge with the trolls... i'm going to feed my Leprechaun, bye! 


	17. What a wally

Okay, so I dunno weather to rate this chapter M or not... i think it's going to be a 'heavey-ish T'.  
This was just really random so please don't kill me.

* * *

Valkyrie walked up to Gordon's house, regarding how neglected the garden was looking.

She walked up to the front door and turned to study the garden from this vantage point, 'yes, very shabby' she thought to herself.

She got out her key to unlock the door but when she turned the handle, she found it was already open, she raised an eyebrow curiously, but then decided Fletcher must already be in the house helping himself to the fridge.

She walked in, observing how the door groaned in protest about it's unoiled hinges, she frowned.

She dropped her keys on the coffee table and hung up her jacket.

"I'm home!" she called.  
Usually round about now, Fletcher would have bounded to her and greeted her with a gentle sweet kiss.

No-one answered, but she could hear loud music coming from the livingroom.

'Fletcher must be dancing again...'  
She sighed.

Valkyrie tip-toed to the livingroom door and held her ear to it... it sounded as if more than one person was in there.

Valkyrie turned the door-knob and took a deep breath. She slowly opened the door and then threw the handle away from her, sending the door chrashing back into the wall, swinging wildly on it's rusty hinges.

She stared...

"Hey! Val! You here to join us?" Tanith said coming over, her jacket off and her scabbard and sword on the sofa.

"Um...? What are you doing?" she asked, regarding Ghastly with a frown. Ghastly, who was jumping up and down infront of the tv, singing to _Lady GaGa- Just Dance_.

Fletcher walked into her line of sight.

Fletcher kissed her lips gently and she felt his mouth tilt upwards as he pulled her closer.  
Valkyrie kissed him back, but pulled away when she remembered that they had company.

"Were playing 'Singstar'." Fletcher whispered.

"Come on! It's fun!" Tanith exclaimed.

"Tanith's idea?" Valkyrie chuckled, fletcher nodded.

Skulduggery walked in from the kitchen, he had two buttons open on his shirt and Valkyrie glanced to the armchair and saw his tie draped over the back of it.

"They forced me into it. We've been playing for nearly an hour and I am brilliant at it." Skulduggery exclaimed looking as smug as he could make his skull look.

Tanith looked at her  
"You want to play?"

Valkyrie felt a lump in her throat.

"How do you play?" she murmered, the look on her face slightly resmebling a startled rabbit.

"Well." explained Tanith. "You have to sing, into a singstar microphone and get as many points as you can. Simple."

"Okay, i'll try, but I can't sing..." Valkyrie babbled.

Valkyrie took up a microphone and Tanith picked a song for her.  
_Suddenly I see- KT Tunstall._

Valkyrie tapped her foot and looked at the floor, the music started and she started off singing quietly, she was hitting most of the notes as it was showing on the screen, but she wasn't loud.

Tanith came up behind her and called over the music  
"Come on, sing louder."

Valkyrie sang a little louder and then started nodding her head to the beat.  
It came to the chorus and Valkyrie blasted it out, startling everyone.

The song came to an end

_'Why the hell it means so much to me...'_

They all cheered and Valkyrie blushed and put her head down, then she scurried to the sofa.

"Right," Tanith said, looking impressed. "Who's next?" She asked.  
"Did I sing okay?" Valkyrie asked, astonnished.  
"You sang brilliantly Valkyrie." Skulduggery congratulated.

Everyone stared at Skulduggery.  
Compliments...? Compliments off Skulduggery? Heh?

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow.

Alcohol became involved in the evening...

Ghastly lost his shoes. Tanith was dribbling. Skulduggery lost his phone. Fletcher lost his jacket and t-shirt from taking his clothes off whilst singing- pretending to be a self-loving rock-star. Valkyrie got the giggles.

Everyone except Fletcher and Skulduggery got totally hammered, Fletcher got slightly hammered.  
Valkyrie just wouldn't slow down on vodka shots and cider.

Valkyrie was delirious.  
Telling Ghastly in her drunken state that she loved him which Skulduggery found hilarious. Fletcher just laughed at her and filmed her ready to make it into a 'do what I want or i'll show everyone this...' weapon.  
Tanith ended up sat on Skulduggery's lap, wailing like a banshee that everyone was shouting at her.  
Ghastly was doing a slightly inverted version of YMCA.  
Fletcher wobbled about slightly but he managed to not get too drunk.  
Skulduggery laughed at them all.

The game continued.  
Skulduggery had fallen into a medatative position on the couch.  
Fletcher had teleported with Valkyrie to his borrowed room upstairs.  
Fletcher lay on the bed, Valkyrie lay next to him, she had not passed out but her words were severely slurred and she couldn't stand up without falling over.

"I, I, I, I, I,"

"Yes?"

"I ove ouuu fetcher remm..."

"That's nice."

She wrapped her slender arms around his neck and lay her head on his chest.

"You can let go of my neck now..."

"Uhhh ugnnn." (no)

"Please."

Valkyrie rolled ontop of him and then lost her balance and fell to the floor, her arms still around his neck.  
Valkyrie pulled and Fletcher crashed onto her with an "oof!"  
Valkyrie snuggled into him, whimpering.

"Kwiss me." she mumbled.

Fletcher kissed her tenderly on the lips and pulled back.

"Again..."

He kissed her again.

"Again!"

Again he kissed her and she smiled, he pulled away.

"AGAINN!" she yelled.

He kissed her and pulled away, finding it very amusing to see his girlfriend in such a state.

"AGAI-"

He cut her off by pressing his lips to hers and this time instead of pulling away, he kept his lips pressed to hers, so she wouldn't keep yelling. When he did pull away, she whimpered and smiled.  
He smiled back, brushing her hair out of her eyes.  
Valkyrie fell asleep saying  
"I wovee yew Gwastyyy."  
Fletcher kissed her forehead and tried to pry her arms off his neck but her arms tightened around him subconsciously and they drifted to sleep.

...

Valkyrie awoke, but didn't open her eyes.

She felt awful.  
As if someone had come along and hit her several times over the head with a frying pan.

She whimpered in pain as she heard thudding downstairs, a thudding which shook her head and rumbled in her ears.  
Light streamed in through the open curtains and pricked at her eyelids, she shielded her eyes with her forearm and groaned.  
Her body felt achey and she rolled over, trying to find the edge of her bed. She couldn't find it.  
She opened her eyes and removed her arm to find herself led on carpet.

Fletcher Renn walked into the room, a glass in his hand, and chuckled.

"Get out of my room..."  
"You didn't seem all too bothered last night." he teased with a smirk.  
"What are you doing in my room?" She croaked, batting away his joke.  
"Um...? Valkyrie, this is my room..."

At this point Valkyrie lifted her head to examine her surroundings.  
"Oh."

Fletcher padded towards her.  
"How are you feeling?" he asked, concern tinged his voice.  
"Awful... what time is it?" she replied.  
"About 4 in the morning." he replied, he yawned, rubbing his eyes.

He chuckled and she looked up at him, though she wanted to close her eyes because of the light flooding in through the window.

He sat himself down next to her.

He handed her a glass of green liquid.  
"What is it?" she asked, staring at the glass in disgust.  
"Don't ask..."  
"It looks like... pond murk."  
"But it's not."  
"What is it then?" she asked.  
"You don't want to know, just drink it, it'll help your hangover."

She looked at it for a few more seconds, then sniffed it curiously.  
"Eugh." she drew back and wrinkled her nose in disgust.  
"Yeah, I advise holding your nose."  
"But that doesn't actually work." Valkyrie replied.  
"It depends on what you're eating or drinking though."  
"Yeah, but it still doesn't really work..."  
"Shut up. I'll make you come to see Skulduggery with me, you seem well enough."  
"God, no, not today, my brain and ego couldn't take it."

Valkyrie held her nose. She brought the glass slowly to her mouth and then moved it away, letting go of her nose.

"I won't turn into anyone will I?" Valkyrie asked.  
"Pardon?"  
"Well, it looks like polyjuice potion."  
"What?" Fletcher was seriously worried that she had finally been driven seriously insane... not that she wasn't normally but... seriously insane.  
"Polyjuice potion."  
"What? Off Harry Potter?"  
"Yeah."  
"Ummm..."  
"If I will turn into anyone, i'd rather it be Tanith because she is a girl, and turning into a boy would just be wierd... but if I turned into you it would be funny because I could scare you and we could scare Tanith and Skulduggery and Ghastly by saying we were twins."

Fletcher pinched her nose for her.  
"Get it drunk." He mumbled, chuckling to himself.  
Valkyrie glared.  
"It's not poisoned is it?" she asked, her voice sounded funny because Fletcher still had hold of her nose.  
"Of course it is, i'm going to poison my girlfriend."

It took a few seconds for Valkyrie to realise he was joking because she was still fairly drunk.

Valkyrie tipped her head back a bit and swatted Fletcher's hand away, she pinched her own nose and then gulped the thick green liquid down, shuddering afterwards.  
"Eugh."  
Fletcher chuckled.  
"I hope that was pumpkin juice." Valkyrie mumbled.  
Fletcher rolled his eyes. Valkyrie burped.  
There was a dribble of the green liquid rolling down her chin, she used her arm to wipe it off, lifted her onto his bed.  
"Sleep." he ordered.  
"Yes, SIR!" she said, saluting with her right hand and smacking herself on the head in the process. She frowned and smacked her right hand with her left.  
Fletcher sat next to her, twirling a strand of her hair round his fingers.

In no less than 5 minutes she was asleep.  
'What a wally.' Fletcher thought to himself.

* * *

re-did this chapter..


	18. mary had a little lamb

hey guys, i'm here! on my dad's laptop... i'm working on a Fletchyrie chapter for my M-rated story but right now i wanted to do a totally pointless one about mary's little lamb... btw, valkyrie is 15 in this. Kinda M, kinda not... fair warning. let's just say adult language.

* * *

16:37

Gordon's house was empty, except for one bored teenager...

Valkyrie sat on the sofa in her adjusted school uniform (jumper off, top button open, tie down, shirt out,shoes off and skirt a bit higher than when she went to school.), she was doing homework, Skulduggery had decided that she had been using her reflection too much lately, and so she had to do the homework as she had a little more time on her hands lately. She had also been to school that day, same reasons granted.

The homework was about Mary's little lamb. She had to find out as many non-rude versions as possible.

She wrote out the original 4 verses-

**Mary had a little lamb,  
it's fleece was white as snow,  
and everywhere that Mary went  
the lamb was sure to go.**

**He followed her to school one day,  
That was against the rules,  
It made the children laugh and play  
To see a lamb at school.**

**And so the teacher turned it out,  
but still it lingered near,  
And waited patiently about  
Till Mary did appear.**

**"Why does the lamb love Mary so?"  
The eager children cry  
"Why Mary loves the lamb, you know?"  
The teacher did reply.**

Then she sat and thought... and thought... and thought...  
nothing...

Over the next hour, not one single thing popped into her head about Mary's little lamb. So she called Fletcher and flicked on the tv for a while.

5 minutes later, Fletcher appeared in the livingroom.

"Hey Fletcher... do you know any versions of Mary had a little lamb?"

"Um... yeah... is it for homework?" he asked looking at her school book that lay on the coffee table.

"Yeah... I don't know any and plus Gordon's computer is down and so is mine."

"Okay... I only know one..."he mumbled.

"That's fine." she replied, waiting for him to say it.  
Fletcher sat next to her and leant towards her.  
"I want something in return..." He whispered.

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow.  
"What? What do you want in return?" she asked curiously.

"A kiss..." he hissed.

"That's so cheesey..." she replied. "Are you sure you don't just want a wagon-wheel? There's plenty in the cupboard..."

Fletcher laughed.

"No, i'll have one of those later though. Right now I want a kiss in return for a Mary had a little lamb verse."

"You're such a spork! No, wait... a forpoon! I want the rhyme before I kiss you." Valkyrie said with a smirk playing across her sharp featured lips.

"No, you can only have it after." Fletcher replied with a bigger smirk of his own, he was determined to win this one.

"Please Fletcher, I want the verse now. Homework is more important than kisses."

"No, kiss first. Boyfriends are more important that 'Mary had a little lamb' verse."

"No, kiss second, verse now."

"No. You're wasting time, just kiss me now and you can have your verse."

"Fine." Valkyrie snapped.

She grabbed the back of Fletcher's head and pulled him towards her, their lips met and he pushed her down onto the sofa and she tried to protest but she couldn't sit up, so she lay down and put her hand up to meet his lips.

"Okay, i've kissed you. I want my verse."

"That was not a kiss. I could get a better kiss from a donkey!"

"That's the only thing except me that would kiss you." she said jokingly, then laughed at the look of shock that mockled his face.

"Kiss me properly Miss Cain."

"Or what Mr Renn?" she pouted.

"Or i'll maime you and then make you kiss me and then even after that you won't get your verse."

"Hmm...? Will you now?"

"Yes, and you damn well know it."

"Do I?"

"Yes, you do."

"Fine." She snapped, "I'll kiss you."

Fletcher lowered himself down onto her and held the back of her head gently, he pulled her closer and lingered his lips over hers for a second before she got impatient and brought her lips up to meet his.  
She kissed him gently and then he speeded up the pace slightly before she could pull away, the kiss turned a little more heated. Fletcher feathered a butterfly kiss onto her earlobe and then went back to her lips, the kiss became a hot kiss and Valkyrie whimpered slightly, trying to protest, trying to get back to her work even though it was the last thing she wanted right now. The kiss turned fiery and soon smouldering. Fletcher reached up to Valkyrie's school jumper and tugged it off over her head and then went back to kissing her.

_No, _valkyrie thought, _I have to get back to my work, I can't let him manipulate me like this, I need to do my work. Come on Steph, fight it. Tell him to get off and tell you the Mary's little lamb verse._

Valkyrie turned her head and Fletcher kissed her neck.

"Fletcher. Please. Get. Off. Now. And tell me the little lamb thing." Valkyrie whimpered.

Valkyrie pushed at his chest with her hands and he sat up.  
He pulled her into a sitting position by her collar and pulled her to him. He kissed her nose and then began

**"Mary had a little lamb,  
she tied it to a pylon,  
10 thousand volts shot up its arse  
and turned it's wool to nylon."**

Valkyrie laughed.

"I can't use that. It's too rude for school."

"So you just kissed me for nothing." Fletcher said with a smirk.

Valkyrie hit him playfully on the arm and he hit her back lightly. Valkyrie hit him again and so it turned into a hitting fight, Valkyrie lay down to move away from a hit and she rolled before he could re-try to hit her, she rolled off the sofa and onto the floor, then he followed. Valkyrie started laughing like a maniac, she hit Fletcher and rolled again, but then he pinned her down before she could roll into the coffee table. Valkyrie shrieked and wriggled trying to get out of Fletcher's vice like grip. Fletcher just laughed.

He leant forward and Valkyrie thought he was going to kiss her, but then he said-

**"Mary had a little lamb,  
she though it very silly,  
she threw it up into the air  
and caught it by it's-  
Willy was a watchdog  
sitting on the grass,  
along came a bumble-bee  
and stung him up the-  
Assssk no questions  
tell no lies  
have you ever seen a policeman  
pulling down his-  
Flies are a nuisance  
bees are worse  
and this is the end of my silly little verse."**

Valkyrie wriggled and managed to pull her phone out of her pocket, she called Tanith.  
Tanith said she would be there in about half an hour.

Fletcher heard the whole conversation and as soon as they had said bye and Valkyrie had ended the call, he pounced, he put Valkyrie's arms above her head and he leant forward and put his lips next to Valkyrie's neck.

"I do know another 'Mary had a little lamb' verse, but again you have to do something."

"Not this again, it'll end up like last time and i'll have kissed you for nothing."

"No, you won't have kissed me for nothing. You don't even know what I want."

"If it's sex you can fuck off." Valkyrie snapped, blushed madly and then she stuck her finger up at him. She didn't know why, but whenever she said the word 'sex' it always came out quieter than the other words and she always went tomato red afterwards.

"No, it's not sex." Fletcher said confidently, saying 'sex' louder than any of the other words, then Valkyrie blushed even deeper red if that were only possible, even her ears were red now.

"What is it then?" she asked, eyeing him curiously.

"You have to let me give you a hickey on your neck."

"WHAT?" Valkyrie spluttered.

"You heard."

"No way, Mr Renn! Tanith will see!"

"Nah she won't, i'll do it far down." he was enjoying her discomfort.

"Skulduggery'll see it he's a detective!"

"Nah, he won't see it either, and plus if you don't let me, you're a chicken."

"I'm not a chicken, just no lovebites!"

"You're a chicken!"

"I'm not!"

"Do you want the little lamb verse or not?"

"Yes, I do but-"

Fletcher had already leant forward at 'yes' and he pulled her collar away from her neck, but the collar wouldn't stretch far enough, so he opened one of Valkyrie's shirt buttons. At this, Valkyrie squealed and yelled-

"Fletcher, no."

"It'll only be a small lovebite, I promise." he said it with puppy-dog eyes. "It'll be far down, no-one will see it!"

"Fine." Valkyrie huffed, "It better be worth it, or your hair is dead!"

"It'll be worth it."

Fletcher still couldn't reach Valkyrie's neck properly, so he undid another shirt button and Valkyrie squealed

"No more buttons!" she mumbled fiercely.

So Fletcher undid another button for the hell of it...

And that's when Tanith Low walked in.

"OOOOh! What's going on here?" she cooed.

"I have promised that if Valkyrie lets me give her a hickey, then I will give her a little lamb verse..." Fletcher babbled.  
Valkyrie stayed statue still and tried not to sqeal out of rage.

"I see... I know a few little lamb verses, so if the one he gives you isn't useful... i'll be in the kitchen..." Tanith yawned and walked into the kitchen.

Tanith shuffled past Valkyrie and Fletcher, they were in a very suggestive position- Fletcher straddling Valkyrie, her arms being held above her head, and what made it worse was that Valkyrie had 4 buttons open.

Fletcher leaned forward and Valkyrie started laughing.

"Why the hell are you laughing?" Fletcher asked, his breath tickling her neck.

"Oh, what? Nothing. Just something that my teacher said the other day..."

"Oh, and um... what did your teacher say?"

"That the sky was made of green cheese!"

Then Valkyrie started laughing again. Fletcher rolled his eyes.

"Always trying to get off topic..." Fletcher mumbled, then he leaned forward.

"Don't hurt me..." Valkyrie muttered between gasps of laughs.

"I'm a vampire! Don't worry Val, close your eyes and pretend Caelan is sucking your blood."

Valkyrie would have hit Fletcher on the arm, but her arms were still above her head.

Fletcher leaned fully forward and sucked on the sensetive skin of Valkyrie's neck.

After 5 minutes, when he thought he had made a big enough mark, he stopped. The mark was bigger than Valkyrie knew, it took up the whole left side of her neck.  
Then Valkyrie loosened her arms from Fletcher's grip and did up her buttons. Fletcher leant down again and whispered-

**"Mary had a little lamb,  
she kept it in a bucket,  
and every time the lamb got out  
the sheepdog tried to fuck it."**

Valkyrie growled because it was one she couldn't use, and before she had a chance to kill Fletcher, he teleported.  
Valkyrie did what wreath had taught her and used necromancy teleportation to go to her room, then she got a rainbow striped scarf out of her drawer (even though it was summer) and wrapped it round her neck.

Then she went downstairs to the kitchen and as soon as she walked in, Tanith started laughing.  
"He fooled you, huh?"

Valkyrie glared.

"Okay, I have one for you and it's not rude."

**"Mary had a little lamb,  
her daddy shot it dead,  
and now she takes her lamb to school  
between two bits of bread."**

Valkyrie ran into the livingroom and wrote it down straight away.

Then she ran to find Fletcher, so she could beat him up... or burn his hair...

**two hours later**

"You were hiding in my wardrobe?" Valkyrie yelled.

"No, not hiding." Fletcher replied.

"What were you doing then?"

"Um... discovering Narnia!"

"Oh, did you have tea with Mr Tumnus?"

"Yes, but the tea was a bit too strong for my liking."

"Oh and I suppose you had cookies too?"

"No, just bread, the cookies were mouldy, he had them since 1923. The bread was quite stale though, he bought it a week tomorrow."

"A week tomorrow?"

"Yes, I stayed in Narnia for two weeks, but to you it only seemed like two hours..."

"Fletcher Renn! Get to your room, NOW!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"What are you? My mother?"

"No, your girlfriend!"

"Your hickey looks bad... do you want another on the other side so you match?"

"FLETCHER RENN! I'm going to kill you... AND YOUR HAIR!"

Fletcher squealed and ran.

And the rest hour was spent by Valkyrie chasing Fletcher around the house.

* * *

i don't know what the point of this was but taadaaaa! :D x love you guys, keep reviewing! x XD


	19. out of control

**so I was drying my hair with the hairdryer, and the hairdryer gave me inspiration because I blew the hot air across my face and my hair went all flyaway which made me think of the elemental power: wind/air. then my hairdryer went out of control and started making whirring noises so I had the phrase "Oh no! It's out of control!" replaying in my head, then the "It" turned to "she" and I thought of Valkyrie... It's strange where you can get ideas from these days... technology is so wierd...**

**This story is Fletcherie as always, if you want to check out what Valduggery I do you could check out my story "Songfic of Valduggery Ghanith and Fletchella" chapter 3, and if you do check it out (i advise you to) then please review it. If you review I may do more. xxxx  
**

**anyways... on with the story. x

* * *

**

"Valkyrie?" Skulduggery walked into the room, adjusting his purple tie and black and purple fedora hat, nodding to Fletcher.

"Hmmm?" She replied, turning away from the mirror and scowling at Skulduggery.

"I need to tell you something."

"Okay..." she shrugged, then scowled "You're not going to ask me to marry you... are you?" Skulduggery laughed and shook his head "Good, because I have a boyfriend and that is Fletcher..." she grinned at Fletcher who was sitting in the armchair "... tell me then."

"Okay. You're 15 now, and when there is a number 5 in a person's age, there is trouble..."

"Okay, now i'm confused."

"Well, you see, every time a mage turns an age with a 5 on the end of it before they are 100, well, their powers go out of control for the day sometime in that year."

"Ok... so you're saying anytime soon, my powers will go out of control?" Valkyrie said, waving her arms in the air in an **out of control** manner.

"Yes."

"Alright then."

"Valkyrie, you have to be prepared though."

"I am prepared."

"Oh yes?"

"Yeah."

Fast as lightning, Skulduggery clicked his fingers and thrust out his palm, a fireball hurtled towards Valkyrie and before she could register surprise, it engulfed her waist. She screamed and yelled and she could feel a searing pain, eating at her flesh, Skulduggery hadn't registered that she wasn't wearing her protective clothes. He waved his hand and the fireballs ceased. Valkyrie lay curled on the floor.

"Valkyrie? You alright?" Skulduggery asked.

"She's fine." Fletcher replied.

"Ow."

"I'll take that as a yes." Skulduggery replied knowing that she had been alright all along.

Skulduggery offered her his hand so he could help her up, she smiled, reached for his hand and then the smile turned mischieveus and she swung her legs and caught the backs of his knees, he fell over onto his knees and pushed his hands out infront of him to stop himself smacking his skull on the floor.

"You little..." *CLANG* "ooof!"

Valkyrie had reached for the decoration shovel on the fireplace and hit him on the skull.

Skulduggery scrambled to his feet and she got up too, she glared at him and with a grin she thrust out her palm, but she wasn't quick enough. Skulduggery had pushed the air with his palm and Valkyrie went sailing backwards through the air with a startled yell. She twisted in the air and pushed her stomach towards the floor like superman, she slowed her pace with her own magic and then used the air to ease her quick decent to the floor.

Valkyrie ran into the kitchen and went to the sink, she put a cloth directly under the tap, to catch the water as it fell to make a quieter sound, she manipulated the water and let it flow to the palm of her hand, then she cultivated it into a water ball.

"It's war." She growled, and used the air to push the water ball out of her hands and smacking into Skulduggery who flew over the sofa and crashed into the wall, leaving a dent and he extricated himself from the wall and stood up, brushing rubble from his hat and suit.

"Very good." Skulduggery complimented,

"Thank yo- Wahhh!" Skulduggery had removed the water and sent it back her way and she had just managed to dive out of the way.

"Never be distracted."

"But you were talking to me."

"Never be distracted."

"Skulduggery?"

"Yes?"

"Your pants are on fire."

Skulduggery looked down at his leg. "Bugger. How did you do that without me noticing?"

"Never be distracted. Remember?" Valkyrie grinned and Skulduggery waved his hand to put out the flames. His pants leg was left smouldering.

"I remember."

Valkyrie's necromancer ring felt cold and electrifying on her finger, but she didn't know whether to use it or not. So she didn't... for a while.

Skulduggery sent two streams of fire her way and she engulfed them with her ring as they came. Then, she tried out her new trick.

She created a fist of necromancy and then created a fireball in her other hand and then set the necromancy alight.  
She punched Skulduggery with it and he set on fire again and flew across the room.

Valkyrie laughed and then got a mouthful of water. She glared and spat the water out, soaking a small area of the carpet.

Skulduggery, still on fire, sent a blast of air her way and Valkyrie flew backwards through Gordon's window, shattered glass rained down and Valkyrie cut her face and arms and a shard of glass pierced her back.  
Valkyrie screamed in pain, trying to use her powers to make herself stop, but she couldn't concentrate.

Fletcher stood up from the armchair and teleported.

Valkyrie shut her eyes and waited for the hard slam of concrete to come from behind. It didn't. She opened her eyes and everything was blurry, then she blacked out.

Valkyrie awoke on one of Gordon's beds. She groaned and turned and then hissed as something sharp shifted in her back.

"Ah, you're awake." Skulduggery mumbled.

"Yes. I'm awake." Valkyrie whispered.

"You alright? You kinda went to gaga land back there."

"Oh."

Valkyrie turned to find Fletcher stood in the corner of the room. He walked towards her and pulled her into a hug.

"You scared me there warrior." He murmered quietly into her ear so Skulduggery couldn't hear.

"Don't I always." She whispered back.

Fletcher smiled.

"Okay you two, stop sharing sex secrets and let me check how you are Valkyrie."

"Sex secrets Skulduggery? Maybe that's your generation but not ours." Then she laughed and winked at Fletcher. Fletcher chuckled.

"No. Honestly, how are you?" Skulduggery asked, concern tinging his voice.

"I'm fine. Just a little sore."

Valkyrie walked up to Skulduggery and gave him a brief hug.

"Keep still." He placed his hand on the small of her back and pulled out a large glass shard. Valkyrie hissed at the pain and then pulled away from Skulduggery.

"I'm going to send Tanith in so she can help you get all the glass shards out of your skin and tend to that burn I gave you earlier." Skulduggery mumbled.

"Kay" Valkyrie replied with a nod. She went and sat down on the bed. "I'm gonna get you for that you know?"

"Oh, I know."

Valkyrie smiled and nodded to Skulduggery as he walked out of the room. Fletcher gave a resigned smile as if he were tired. He was about to teleport when Valkyrie ran up to him and hugged him tightly  
"I love you." she mumbled.

"I love you too. I just wish you'd be more careful."

"I'm okay though."

"You could have been killed."

"No, Skulduggery would have known when to stop."

"But clearly he didn't. You fainted."

"Don't remind me. And no, i'm fine, I faint often."

"No, you don't."

"Okay maybe I don't, but honestly i'm fine. I'll be more careful next time. Okay?"

"Fine. But one of these days you're going to get hurt and there will be nothing me or Kenspeckle will be able to do about it."

"Look, i'm okay, i'm not dead am I?"

"No."

"Well shush then."

"I'm sorry... I just... I just worry about you. I don't want to lose you. I love you."

"I love you too..."

"Promise to be more careful?"

"I promise... Now shut up and kiss me."

Fletcher shrugged "Okay."

Valkyrie smiled and pressed her lips to Fletcher's, then she got rougher and pulled away gasping for breath.

"I think i'm getting better at this kissing lark."

"Yeah... but you still need more practise." Fletcher grinned.

Valkyrie moved in for another kiss.

"No. Rest." Fletcher said gently.

"But-"

"No buts!"

"What about this one?" Valkyrie asked, turning around and wiggling her bum.

"Not even that one."

"Damn." she muttered with a smile.

Valkyrie stood where she was and Fletcher pointed to the bed.  
Valkyrie shook her head.  
So Fletcher repeated the action.  
Valkyrie shook her head.

Fletcher picked her up.

"Wow, you're strong for someone who looks like a weakling!" Valkyrie said, teasingly.

Fletcher walked to the bed and put her on it, keeping hold of her hand. "Shut up. Rest. Tanith will be up in a few minutes."

"Okay."

Fletcher stood up and tried to turn to leave, but Valkyrie wouldn't let go.

"Miss Cain, I would apprieciate if you would let go of my hand."

"Okay." She kept her grip on his hand.

"Um... I said I would appriecitate it if you would let go."

"I know what you said. I just choose to ignore your wishes."

"Really. Let. Go." he said, keeping very serious.

"Hmmm... Let me think. No." she replied with a smirk.

Fletcher twisted his wrist and then hers and she released his hand.

"Thankyou." he said, smiling he gave her a hug and kissed her forehead. And that is when Tanith came thundering up the stairs.

"Hey lovebugs! How are you?"

Valkyrie beamed a very childish smile at her, Fletcher smiled, mumbled something uninteligable and shuffled off towards the door, then he teleported.

"I'm okay thanks." Valkyrie said sheepishly with a smile.

"You don't look it."

"Gee thanks Tanith."

"You're welcome... Let's have a look at that burn."

Valkyrie lifted up her t-shirt and Tanith put specail ointment on the burn and then wrapped it.  
Then she pulled all the glass out of Valkyrie's skin.  
After she made Valkyrie rest.

_3 hours later_

Skulduggery came up the stairs in into the room, he thought Valkyrie was asleep. Valkyrie turned her head and Used a blast of air to send Skulduggery chrashing through the bedroom wall.

"That's for burning me and sending me through a window!" Valkyrie yelled to him.

"That's fair!" Skulduggery yelled back.

"Not yet it's not."

"I can deal with that!" Skulduggery mumbled.

"Good."

"Oh, and by the way, when you loose control of your powers, it'll be a lot worse than that."

"Damn."

_5 days later (the day Valkyrie looses control.)_

Skulduggery chrashed into the wall.

"TANITH! SHE OUT OF CONTROL!"


	20. yawn rape

**YAWN RAPE!**

Valkyrie sat watching Mock the Week, she sat next to Skulduggery on the sofa and they laughed at a few jokes.

"I'm funnier than those commedians." Skulduggery said in a boasting manner.

"You're not even remotely funny. I'm funnier than you!"

"You? Funny?"

"Yes."

"Don't make me laugh!"

"See! I am funny!" Valkrie said with a grin.

"I'm funnier than you."

"No. I beg to differ."

"Well I suggest you stop begging."

Russel Howard came on the screen and Valkyrie shushed Skulduggery. She thought Russel Howard was really funny.  
Russel told his

joke about yawn rape-

"So I was in a really bad mood and then madness occured from nowhere. Bloke in the counter- behind the counter yawned, this bloke infront of him who DID NOT know him, popped his finger in his mouth, and went 'WOOOHOOO! Yawn rape!', and I nearly died! Now, I've never seen a yawn rape before, I was honestly I was like "there's just been a yawn rape.", did the man headbutt him? No he didn't he GIGGLED and went "It's a good job I didn't fart wun it?"."

Valkyrie laughed so much she was nearly on the floor. Skulduggery just chuckled and went  
"That was rude."

_12 mins later_

Valkyrie yawned. Skulduggery popped his gloved finger in her mouth and went "WOOOHOOO! Yawn rape!"

Valkyrie laughed and went-

"Now that was funny."

* * *

inspirational russel howard! x


End file.
